"After learning how to not beat myself up anymore, and learning about how insecure we are as humans, little by little I started seeing how damaged we could potentially be as individuals for one reason or another."
I do not claim to have perfect form by the way...I am still a long way away from that.
When I was going through my prosecution I started having panic attacks. I had no idea that they were panic attacks because they felt like heart attacks. I had this intense pain in my chest and shortness of breath and it was the first time I ever felt anything like that, it was downright scary. The crazy thing is that they would happen when I did not think I was stressed, in other words when I was not necessarily thinking of my career and life going to hell. But your mind is more powerful than you realize, and it can be your worst enemy if you do not know how to train your thinking.
Going to prison was probably the worst and most stressful experience of my life. There are so many unknowns of what you are actually going to go through, and your mind just goes crazy. Not to mention with everything that is written about you on the news, so much of it wrong by the way, but it doesn’t matter, human nature is to lash, put down, critique and to judge. Sadly, we are great at seeing people be miserable.
Once I was in prison I knew I had to do three things: enhance myself spiritually, physically, and mentally. If there is anything good about being isolated from the world is the amount of time you get to read. I began reading about two to three books a month, and I am a slow reader. Everything I read was reference, nothing fiction, mainly about spirituality, religion, human nature, human psychology and human thinking. I knew I wanted to learn how to meditate so I begin learning about meditation. All that “discovery” in turn made me want to learn about religions in which meditation is a huge part of the practice, so I learned about Buddhism and I learned about Hinduism. The more and more I learned the more I realized how ignorant I had been about the major religions in our world, and the more I realized how closer in tuned we are spiritually despite of doctrine. It is in prison that I first learned about legalism.
I have been raised Catholic all my life, and I still consider myself Catholic, it is part of who I am. But let’s be honest, the Catholic Church has some serious legalism, or rules and regulations that you must adhere to in order to be a “good Christian.” If you are Catholic pretty much you feel guilty all of your life that you did one thing or another that was against the Catholic Church. Add all of this religious dogma with what I was going through and I was heading into a serious depression, but luckily I was able to put into practice the things that I was learning to train my head to not be my enemy, which was not easy.
After learning how to not beat myself up anymore, and learning about how insecure we are as humans, little by little I started seeing how damaged we could potentially be as individuals for one reason or another. Whether it was a series of bad relationships, a bad parent, and yes, we definitely can screw up our children with our personal flaws, or any other factor that we were not able to process properly and learn from. I saw how much anger and hatred we carry in our hearts, how much jealousy we have, how much hurt we cause because of how miserable we may be. I would talk to friends on the phone while locked up and they would tell me about people bickering over the silliest things and I got to the point where I would wonder, “how the hell am I happier than these people while I’m in prison?”
When you learn all these things people who do not have this mental training stick out bigtime, as if they are handing you their emotional resume when they speak. “You’re not going to believe what that dumbass at the office did the other day, listen to this,” or “I can’t stand that son of a bitch, he fucking drives me crazy!” In prison I learned to be happy at one of the unhappiest situations of my life, and between mental training, rational thought understanding, and my personal religion of Christianity and finally understanding God’s love for us, I realized that when you are truly happy you honestly do not have anything negative to say about anyone. Of course that does not mean that you cannot get mad, or react on emotion, but you are able to channel it, process it, and more importantly, let it go if you need to.
Our mental health is so important but yet so many of us neglect it. I know people that refuse to go to therapy and will give you a list of reasons as to why it will either not work for them, it is a waste of time, waste of money, or whatever they can use to justify them avoiding their mental health. I started meditation to learn how to deal with my inner demons that would upset me if I could not control them. I then learned yoga to add yet another necessary component to my physical health that I had avoided for decades of working out and lifting weights. I also studied the bible intensely to bring me peace and bring me closer to God. I had to do all these things during the most stressful time of my life to be able to function normally, with love in my heart for myself and for others.
2020 was a very, very difficult year for so many of us. Many people lost their jobs, lost beloved friends and family members, myself included, and saw a change of life that would test us like never before. Parents became teachers, professionals became Lyft drivers, households suffered from financial stress millions at a time from one day to the next. None of this was easy, and we are still not out of the woods. But if you do not find your mental balance I am telling you 2021 will not be any easier because the pandemic finally goes away. It does not matter how you do it, what religion you are, what you decide to believe, but inner peace is inner peace, no matter how you achieve it. Find yours, and you will see how much better this year really is. I will give you your first mental training lesson. Are you in prison right now? If not, then you are already way ahead of the game, think about that one until it sinks in. Happy New Year everyone!
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